Welcome To My Life

...first paper to be released if i remembered correctly was GP n followed by physics or something.i knew that for me to get to the next year,i needed at least an A'Level pass overall and 2 O'Level passes.well,that was the barest minimum.i thought realistically was those could either come from either physics which i had already passed in mid year's or Maths which was my pet subject.i needed a 50 for physics to hit 50 overall and a 59 for maths to reach a 50 overall.this was the mess in which i had gotten myself into after getting involved in a relationship.there came the bombshell.i din quite make it for physics.i only managed a 46,which meant a 48% overall.my future was to be decided with the release of the Maths C paper.As fate would have it,the results were to be released only after the second break.i was a nervous wreck during both breaks.i sought her solace.she was a huge help.before the Maths paper,the Maths tutor was joking with me,something to the extent that if only i had studied harder for the mid yr's.when he finally gave out MY paper,he announced to the whole class that i had the biggest improvement in the class.my results were a 74% making it an overall 64 %.i had done it! *sigh* to most of u reading this,i know 74% is no big deal.i also think so,but my mid year results for maths was a mediocre 30 %.from an "F" grade to almost an "A"??no wonder the then maths tutor thought i deserved a special mention.i needed only an O'Level pass in either Chem or Econs next.but this was the minimum one needed to get through the promos.i thought it was very difficult.WHY??after the promos i asked myself.WHY??why was i,single digit at O's,now just struggling to keep pace with my peers??based on my O's,if i had just gone on with the flow of school work,followed the lessons and did the tutorials which i had not done ever in yr 1,i was a scholarship potential.i begin to regret.they all say REGRET is the worst thing that can happen to someone.time does not wait for anyone.you can't buy back time no matter how rich you are. "time and tide waits for no man" how true this statement suddenly seems.the same kind of regret which filled my heart come 24 Dec when we broke up.i'll talk about that later in another blog.but coming back,i knew i had disappointed my family.my parents who had so much high hopes on me after the O's.i must say a yr is a short time.but i had crumbled dramatically from a high to a low.a new low.i was devastated.i knew things had to change.i was in this boat all because of myself.i could not handle both being in love and my studies at the same time.i know lots of couples who while dating have done really well in the exams.what was the difference i thought??Discipline.discipline came to my mind.i swore i wanted to change.i wanted to rise from the ashes.i begin to make plans.but seeing my peers with their results hurt me.some of these people had actually done worse than me at O's.what in the world went through my mind i din know.i was just waiting for school to end to look for my darling.i needed someone close to talk to.someone whom i know would make me feel better even if she din say a word.i would feel better just by being with her.such was the effect of her on me at that time...
hols soon came and for her,she got a job.me?i slacked around at home,meeting her perhaps only on alternate days because she was tired after her work.days flew by quickly.something was to change by dramatically after she got a job.or was it my fault?i begin to feel at ease everytime she told me she was going out.after being pursued further,she would each time tell me it was a guy she was going out with.well,at least she was being honest there.my possessive nature would then take control of the situation.i would next be unhappy and we would quarrel.not that kind of violent quarrels one would imagine but just the cold war kind.and it was always me who gave in.then came the last straw.it was 24Dec.this would seem like a normal day.but it was X'mas Eve.and guess what?i was not going to spend it with my girlfriend.what has the world turned into?she was instead going to spend it with another guy.alone.A GUY?now thats ridiculous.there's no way i was going to stomach this.i of course kicked up a fuss.but deep inside i still wanted to see her and wanted to talked to her.AND i had prepared some gifts for her too.she told me she was going out in the afternoon so i figured she could be home anytime around dinner time onwards.i waited at her void deck from 6+pm onwards.i wanted to surprise her.7pm came.8,9,10 and 11pm soon came.there was still no sight of her.all this time,all i had for company was the "Snake" game from my Nokia 8250.all this was not to be in vain come around 1130pm.i saw 2 figures walking in a distance.she was one of them.the other was,ermm...a guy.the guy had actually sent her all the way home.she din see me initially.till i showed up in front of her.she was shocked.she looked sorry.then sensing she could still turn it to her advantage,she told the guy to leave first.she next turned around and walked towards the lift.there was no way i could let her go without even saying much to her after waiting for almost 5hrs.i stopped her.tried to gave her the gifts.she tried to resist and the gifts hit the ground.my heart sank when the flowers hit the ground.i had given her a dozen blue roses.i had to endure the stares of onlookers from the moment i had left the florist.the gifts which i was going to give her were on the ground.the lift door opened and she stepped in.i recovered from my shock at her refusal to accept the gifts to force the lift door open.i left the gift on the floor and then sadly departed the scene.it was 1145pm.Had she strayed? What was going to become of our relationship?it was too late to take the MRT.i also was not in any mood to take the MRT or bus.i only wanted to get home as quickly as possible.i felt so lost.my mind was a whirl.in the taxi,i called my buddy.he was watching some "jacky Wu" show on CH8 and said he would call me once it ended at 1am.i cried.not your usual bucket of tears so should i say weeped?now even my bestest pal was going to ignore me.what had the world turned to?to my pal's credit,he called me back soon after.he had sensed that something had gone wrong as my voice was quivering while i spoke to him.we had a long talk in the cab.he had lots of words for me.
at home,i thought about it the whole night.the past just flickered in front of me.what had gone wrong to cause such a huge change.i tossed on my bed and stared in the air.the times we spent together taking walks in school.the times we spent in town.the times we spent studying together.i decided to try talk to her.it must have been almost 4 when i fell asleep.
she avoided talking to me the next few times i called her.after a few weeks of unsuccessful try,it begin to daunt to me that the relationship was on the rocks.it meant only one thing-it was a silent break.i guess this was what people were always talking about when they meant a silent break.i always thought this was the worse way to end a relationship.i certainly din want that to happen to mine.but there was nothing i could do except try to talk to her....well,the things i did wasn't anyone could imagine will come on my next entry... ...till then...

posted by Boring old me @ 12/13/2003 05:37:00 PM